(A letter written to Playboy Magazine)

A Modest Proposal
(Nov. 2001)

First, please let me say that what I write here is meant with affection. I hope my remarks will not offend.

What I feel I need to write you about comes from my heart, and springs only from a desire to strengthen the image, and perhaps the life, of a man of whom I hope all Americans are proud. He has strengthened us for many years to be sure. And, there are few men who can say that they would not be willing to happily trade places with him. And, while he has had the same sort of ups and downs in his romantic and business life as the rest of us, nonetheless he has always set the dignified and properly stylish tone on how to conduct oneself in such situations - when confronted with life’s roller coaster.

And, how many of us can say the same?

So, it is with only the most honest respect that I say that I am a bit, no maybe a lot worried about that image, and perhaps about that man. I speak of course, of Hugh Hefner.

I’ve been thinking about Hef a lot in the past year or so. More so since my bride of 14 years informed me she didn’t love me anymore, and left me. And that just continues to make no sense to me, despite the therapy. I continue to love her. So, what is that about? Anyway, you see, we’d relocated from the Buckle of the Bible Belt to San Francisco, and I knew no one there, and had just started a new-media job in which at 41, I was older than the majority of my co-workers, and older than the boss. But, soon after it became known in my office that I was a single, heterosexual male who had been in a committed disease-free relationship for 14 years and was now available, I found I was being set-up, enticed, and otherwise surprised by experiences that were supposed to be romantic or unusually sexy, including my first ever swingers party (which was attended by famous porn stars). And so, I ended up having a number of odd, yet enjoyable sexual experiences which I found fascinating. When I informed friends back in the South of these new and unusual events in my life I was told I should write a column called “I, Swinger”, as I had many weeks in a row of “only in SF” invitations and surprises.

Anyway, for some time now I’ve been attempting to evaluate, or perhaps re-evaluate my understanding of love, romance, and sexual expression, not to mention commitment. Now, I have, like I believe most of you, been reading Playboy for most of my life. Not most of my adult life, but most of my life - having seen my first ever copy when I was about 8. I can’t say that about National Geographic, or Scientific American, or Maxim or Stuff. I really can’t say that about Penthouse, either, as I just never seemed to want to keep an issue around very long. With Playboy it’s always been different. It’s been more of a long-term relationship.

All the women I’ve ever known had read the magazine at some point, even my own mother. And, as I did become an adult most of the women actually seemed to, well, those that didn’t like it didn’t seem bothered by it particularly, and many of them enjoyed the magazine. I think they mostly enjoyed it for the response it brings in the men they hang with. Am I the only one who has had the experience of having the magazine picked up by your woman friend, thumbed through, centerfold unfolded at some point, and then The Question: “Do you really think she’s so hot?” Your answer may or may not be pivotal in the relationship, yet it’s still un-nerving, just a little…

But I digress. You see, my subscription to Playboy was a gift from my lovely wife many years ago. But she apparently didn’t understand when filling out the enrollment card and so the magazine always arrived bearing an address sticker with her name on it, not mine. So, she really had the subscription all these years, not me. I thought I’d read an article some years ago saying that a large minority of the magazine’s subscribership was female. I figured that part of it was issues like my wife’s gift, but also perhaps could be due to Hef’s daughter taking charge of the business. And, I still enjoyed the magazine, but I did notice that I wasn’t as interested in it anymore. I chalked that up to just having read it for so many years that I felt I knew what to expect from it, which month meant which stories, which pictorials were going to be appearing in my box when. You know. But, after she was gone the magazine continued to arrive, even following me when I moved, still with her name on the cover. And, I know for sure that Hef has always handled this type of situation with a lot more style than that of which I have proven capable. But, then he’s a bit older than me, and has had many more lovers and relationships than have I, so it’s always been kind of him to share with us on how to conduct oneself in the midst of some pain.

And, I notice that after his “re-emergence” into public life, as if he went underground when he got married, I have read with interest of his fun and adventures in the few pages that appeared and have since been dedicated to that subject. At first it was fun. I loved seeing him out with his girlfriends, and even enjoyed reading about how the girls and Hef got along so famously. The pictures were great, the girls beautiful, Hef looks great and yet a bit surprised at his celebrity, which is charming. I noticed that each month I liked to read that section first, or, that is when reading the magazine after the intial near-ritualistic thumb-through of the main pictorials...

Then I began to notice a different feeling. Hef’s girlfriends were changing; some were leaving after a short time, and others appeared suddenly without explanation. It was an odd mix of concern and, I don’t know how to describe it. Maybe, the heebee-jeebees? No, I’m sure that’s too strong. But, regardless, I began to find myself looking at Hef differently than I ever had before. He’s always been far cooler than James Bond, far more stylish than au courant, always youthful in appearance and aspiration. He’s a worshiper of all displays of youthful energy, from championing free expression, to championing free sex, to championing the US Constitution when others were fearful. Hef’s always been about youth and beauty. And he still is. Except when I read the caption informing the photos were taken at his 73rd birthday celebration. And then I get that odd emotion that I can’t describe. It’s making me want to read the magazine a little bit less each month. And I’ve started reading the newer mags, like Maxim.

And so, after much reflection, I think I know what my problem is in my relationship with Playboy. Hef, the man, is old.

It’s starting to both creep me out, and worry me at the same time. It creeps me out, I should imagine, mostly because of my own current sadness and self-loathing. So, there’s definitely the element of extreme envy. But that has always been there with Hef and the male audience, and it was part of what attracted us together in the first place. So, yeah, maybe it’s because he is apparently in a group love arrangement with 7 gorgeous and willing women, and I’m not. But, the difference in their ages is such that these girls have grandparents Hef’s age, or younger. And that just can’t be right, can it?

Now, I’m worried because I know that like it or not, one day we are going to lose the incredible resource that is Hef. The kind of unique resource that draws 7 gorgeous young women to be so willing, despite the severe age difference and the need for the little blue pills. And, I see the magazine losing market share within me, let alone the mass marketplace. I understand, however, that it is perhaps also losing share to the “younger demo” mag’s which I also read. I read Maxim because it is a good complement to Playboy, though on it’s own Maxim is basically useless. I guess they try to fill the space that the Lampoon used to fill, maybe. But, I can imagine some younger folks who would be perhaps just be getting old enough to start to live the Playboy Lifestyle that might be having similar heebee-jeebies to the ones I have, only without my concern for the welfare of the Hef resource., which I feel is truly a national treasure.

What is Playboy going to do without Hugh Hefner? And what will become of the master teachings of the Great Sensei, Hef?

I offer a modest proposal -- Hef College.

Beginning next year, and continuing annually until no longer possible, one lucky MALE reader will be selected via some contest vehicle to become Hef ’02 (as who else but Hugh M Hefner could be Hef ’01?). An annual “scholarship” with an emphasis on one main facet of the life experience of Hef, as learned under the direct tutelage of Hef himself. These annual “subject majors” can at first be drawn directly from the magazine’s table of contents until better ideas are brought to bear on the equation.

Regardless, it would be the goal of such a Hef College to assemble 10 or 20 “Hef’s” before learning in such a direct manner is no longer possible. And used properly, these “Hef Contest Winners” could be valuable assets to Playboy Enterprises, and also to the larger culture thereafter. This idea springs from a complaint some male readers of the magazine have expressed. And that is their mixed emotions over the Playmate of the Year Contest. Like me, they love the contest, for the pictures of the beautiful girls, and it is fun to see that the winner can gain sudden wealth and accumulate many of the trappings of instant success by merely being both beautiful and sweet natured. But, where is the contest for me, the male reader who assists in my very small way with providing those benefits to the lovely young woman?

Oh, I know, you could answer that the question is like asking in regard to Father’s Day, “when is Children’s Day? Everyday is Children’s Day!” And, you likely can point to the many small contests aimed more at the male subscriber, that I’m sure add up to much more in terms of dollars, and cool visits to interesting places etc vs. PMOY.

But who gives a shit about any of that?

Male readers don’t really care if they win some money, or even a trip to the Mansion for a party. Oh, they’ll never turn that down, of course. But, No, No. The reason we read the magazine and visit the website is that we all live vicariously through Hugh Hefner. And really, not even Hugh Hefner, but rather Hef. We all wish we could BE Hef. Most would be satisfied with just a day like that to come true, but I propose that much, much more be done, and for what I hope is a better reason than merely the publicity it will generate all year, every year if the appropriate person is selected. Regular publicity would be an obvious benefit of any such a contest where a reader gets to pretend to be “Hef For A Day.”

No, I personally feel a strong need to try and preserve the knowledge, style, control, cool, business acumen, etc, but most of all the romance and lovers experience that is Hef, the Undisputed American Alpha Male. Perhaps it is possible to succeed in such a mad effort, so that when Hef is no longer around for those few pages in the front of the magazine, that we as a male American culture will still have the resource in some dedicated fashion. So, the contest I propose is more along the philosophical lines of Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory’s Golden Ticket Contest. Though I propose a contest in which the Annual Hef Scholars are selected, and not merely picked by random chance, or luck of the draw.

I propose a major, major initiative on the part of PEI, and more importantly, on the part of Mr. Hefner himself.

I propose that Hef College be a true research and learning experience. One aimed at being able to create a valuable resource after the contest winner’s year as Hef has ended, and a new Hef has won the Golden Ticket. I should think it would be best to choose the winner by committee comprised of the editorial and corporate staff that Mr. Hefner approves. But, I should also think the final selection would be his own. And, I would hope that he would desire to forge a strong and harmonious relationship with the Hef College Student for the year, and hopefully thereafter. After all, what I propose could perhaps be the best way of living on afterwards that is possible, as there will be many strong, handsome, capable, and romantic Hef Scholars to pass on what they have learned. Perhaps it would be possible to imagine such a successful program that Mr. Hefner’s business associates, and even his own family, feel as if they still have some of him to which they can turn and reach a consensus opinion, or even possibly an emotional response, though the latter would seem unlikely except in private, and probably only in one-on-one Tutorial.

To carry the fantasy further, I propose that the contest have a similar financial structure to PMOY. But, the similarities should end there. I propose that Mr. Hefner have the Contest Winner move into the Mansion to live, work, and probably party alongside him, and the rest of the business and perhaps even the personal staff. Oh, wait a minute, that’s actually another similarity, isn’t it? Anyways, I hope that the project would become a valuable companion exercise for Mr. Hefner’s coming sunset years. Surely he must be considering writing his memoirs. Such a record would pale next to the Hef Collegian Scholars. I would hope that the project would be taken seriously. One in which he, as The Real Hef, actively considers a curriculum and attempts to impart, and assist in the passing on of, not just his knowledge or his abilities with any particular Hef Scholar’s “major”, but also the ethereal, the “only within The Real Hef” parts of what make Hugh M Hefner, septuagenarian Publisher of Playboy Magazine, into Hef. And, in these past years he has come to use his personal celebrity more and more for the PR value, while allowing the greater opportunity to slip away. I believe that opportunity is to leave our unique American culture a real live breathing record, and a real ability to continue to contribute in the manner of Hef to that culture, and to the endless pursuit of romance, going forward even when he cannot.

Certainly you say, “But Mr. Hefner has young children. This Modest Proposal is horrid.” I certainly beg that you try not to find my thoughts on this as beyond the pale. And, of course you are also correct. But, they are small children. And, who is to say they will wish to participate in the project? If they are like most of the other American males I know, they may wish to reject everything that their father is at some point in their lives. And, they are also fairly young still. When they find one day that they really need to know themselves in some odd way, perhaps the project could be so successful that they might-could turn to the Hef College Scholars as the resource I hope they can be. Could any single member of Hef College replace in any way the Real Hef? Of course not. But, perhaps, with effort and longevity, it may be possible to form a sort of collective mind, one that could discuss or act together, and somehow keep that thing which is Hef, Hef available as the resource he is.

And, from the PR and total benefit gain to the corporate bottom line perspective, the idea is a complete winner. Properly selected, and with proper incentive, these Hef College Scholars should hopefully be able to contribute to the bottom line of the business in much the same manner as the PMOY, and much more. I would think the winner should be demographically desirable for whatever sales or marketing goal is set annually. Hopefully, they can become the fellow we see in the What Sort Of Man Reads Playboy ad, and become celebrities, as is often the case with PMOY. (Alright, perhaps there are more similarities with the PMOY than I had thought…) And perhaps, as they are each hopefully a specialist in one of the major facets of Mr. Hefner’s personality, or his career, then the Hef Scholar can contribute in other ways. I would imagine that if they are treating the exercise properly, then the winner should be able to write a column effectively, or host a show on the network about what they are learning. And, even better, how they are able to apply the lessons.

Perhaps the winner should be required to “guest-publish” one issue towards the end of their year with Mr. Hefner and the staff. Oh to have the opportunity to actually earn the absurd “Official Centerfold Selector” beachfront t-shirt! Perhaps it could be a requirement that the winner moves out of the Mansion after 10 months and has to outfit and live in a complete Playboy Bachelor Pad, like in that old feature that would sometimes run about “the perfect future bedroom”. The place could become, at least until it gets annoying I suppose, like one of those MTV Beach House sets for use by the cable network for a new Playboy After Dark show, which would be different each year for all the reasons stated above.

And, If they have the stuff, perhaps it would be possible to structure the Hef College Scholarship Program in such a manner that requires the Scholar to repay the largess of Mr. Hefner by agreeing to go and live and work at one of the foreign editions of the Playboy Empire as the “Guest Editor” there for a year, making of course many promotional appearances in the regions surrounding the office, and hosting a program from there. And, hopefully, touching their cultures with the magic and charm that is Hef, to the betterment of us all.

All right, so for the sake of argument, let’s posit that it’s an approved idea, and Mr. Hefner wishes to select someone to become Hef ’02, in the first annual Golden Ticket Contest Winner. How should such a decision be made?

Well, I suppose that given that his was and remains a media revolution, each year’s winner should be someone who is in the media business with at least some modest success, or I can’t imagine the two fellows would even get along, but what do I know? I’ve been clinically diagnosed as a hopeless romantic and my entire knowledge of Mr. Hefner comes from the media, so you can’t go by me… And, while it’s a hard reality, the reason for the College to exist sort of dictates an order of subject emphasis, top-down (of course!) most central “subject” down to less central aspects of Hef. So, that would give top priority to trying for some capture of his unique and unimaginable cool as a romantic and lover. Now, I’m not suggesting a threesome here, though I suppose with Hef, the winner should be available for whatever manner of bonding teaches the lesson.

I am rather suggesting that the winner should hopefully be another person who is also an incurable romantic and has a continuous love of, and discerning eye for, feminine beauty in all its many forms. Yes, someone who in fact may be at a personal crossroads with romance themselves, so they could truly throw themselves into their study. And, for the first year’s winner, it might be advisable to select someone who is in their 40’s demographically. Someone who already has had a couple of serious relationships, so they have a true appreciation of what is being imparted by Hef. Perhaps as the years continue, it would be more appropriate to select a winner who is in their twenties, or perhaps even someone who is just turned 18, as with the Centerfolds, but for this first Contest Year I feel it’s important that the project not try and “dial-down” the subscriber demo right away, or it won’t really sink in with the mass audience that the project truly has a more serious purpose. As they now understand, and support alongside Mr. Hefner, activities such as the First Amendment Freedom Foundation, Children Of The Night, etc

Is the subtext of efforts like the Playboy Enterprises and the FFF “while it is vital to celebrate life and youth and fun, if you act seriously and with deliberation, despite the risk or ridicule, you can indeed have a serious impact”?

If that is true, then I submit this modest proposal: Select me as your first Golden Ticket Contest Winner and declare me Hef ’02. I have much to offer, and much to learn.

 

Warm Regards,

Barron Blackman
Writer/Producer
ATP Networks, Inc
www.atptv.com

 

 

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